


Sasaichi's Dish (or the time Sasuke and Itachi fought over Sai)

by Amizore



Category: Naruto
Genre: Bad Matchmaking, Humor, Itachi Lives, Jealous Uchiha Sasuke, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-14 01:43:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12997098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amizore/pseuds/Amizore
Summary: Naruto's not finding being Hokage as easy as he thought it'd be. Picking up some advice from Tsunade, he's almost always drunk. Deciding to invite a select few of his friends to a meal in Ichiraku to celebrate his position, one thing leads to another during that fateful day, resulting in a mind-blowing bet of the century. Feeling lost in post-war Konoha, they all need some distraction in the form of matchmaking, which creates an incredible series of unfortunate events. Will Sai come out of this unscathed?





	Sasaichi's Dish (or the time Sasuke and Itachi fought over Sai)

The Hidden Leaf Village’s days of war were over, allowing the battered country to flourish. Missions held less tension and danger, under the clammy guidance of the new Hokage. A new kind of battle dawned under the era of the Golden Age, and it all started in the Ichiraku Ramen shop. In celebration of Naruto becoming the new Hokage, he gleefully invited Jiraiya, Tsunade, Sakura, and Ino to the Ichiraku Bar to discuss a new variety of matters. 

Much to his dismay, his companions made him promise to pay for whatever they bought before they agreed, and he reluctantly obeyed. His bulging wallet was fuller than it had been before he’d been appointed Hokage, to his fellow team members’ envy.

Sakura arrived first. She glanced around to look for the others, and her shoulders slumped when she spotted a lone smirking Ino. “They pick this very day to be late,” she growled to herself as she stalked over. A fantasy of how she’d torture each and every one of them began playing out in her head, causing a string of drool to plop onto the polished floor. She noticed the glare of the owner and blushed. 

Sakura sat next to Ino, impulsively giving her a colossal smooch on the cheek, when a cat whistle caused her to turn. Jiraiya was grinning like a madman, his nostrils inflating and bleeding a bit from the trivial action. A sharp hand smacked at his head to her delight. Observing Tsunade muscularly and rightfully scolding him, she noticed Ino grinning smugly at her - “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist me.”

Sakura responded with a soft smile, her face free of any stress lines, fighting the sudden urge to burst into poetry.

It took half an hour for Naruto to arrive, and in the meantime the four of them made small talk. Finally, he stumbled in, a beer bottle cradled in his arms as he awkwardly swung towards the group. He was already visibly drunk, saliva dripping down his chin and a crazed look in his eyes. Sakura was ready to bite his head off. Naruto lazily apologised, slurring his words, and he plopped down between Sakura and Jiraiya, his head immediately slumping to the table.

Sakura spied Tsunade sending him a fond look and she sniffed surreptitiously. The odour around the blond’s body was very familiar. She nodded, her fears confirmed - apparently the older formidable woman didn’t mind sharing her source of sake with Naruto. She snorted in disgust and secretly with a small amount of jealousy, stinging with the recent memory of the rejection when the pink-haired ninja had asked for her own flask of sake from her mentor.

“Blatant favouritism,” she grumbled to herself. Ino nudged her with a curious look, but before Sakura could relay the information to her companion she noticed a waiter approaching from the corner of her eye and snapped her mouth shut. 

“The manager would like to have a word with you,” he politely informed them. The kunoichi groaned and turned towards Naruto. “You’re gonna get us all thrown out because of your horrid smell!” she complained, wrinkling her nose to emphasise her words. Despite her reluctance to come to the meeting because of the work she'd been enthusiastically doing in Konoha's best hospital, Sakura had been looking forward to spoiling herself with a good, free meal and, like always, Naruto had managed to ruin it.

As he lifted his head from the table, she squinted at him, pointing with a quivering finger at the spit he’d left on the surface.

The waiter hesitantly tapped her shoulder, backing away when she whirled around with an irritated expression on her face. Apparently her stress hadn’t disappeared after the end of the war after all. If she was being honest, she may even admit it had increased.

“Actually,” he began, “no, it’s not the drool or the odour, although we will be fining you for that - don’t worry, we’ll get rid of it if the mighty Naruto so wishes. No, the manager wants to give you a special brand new meal to thank the Hokage for his wonderful part in defending Konoha’s citizens in the war.”

He nodded respectfully at Naruto, who had a lopsided toothy grin on his face and slurred, “Isss no problemo dear chap.”

Sakura and Ino’s faces, on the other hand, were turning a shade of tomato red. “Only the Hokage’s services?” the one in the purple outfit hissed. “What about the rest of the devoted hardworking soldiers, quite a few who had _died_ -”

“Thass becausee I’m t’he hero of this vil-liageee,” Naruto groaned out. “It’s only fittin’ fer mehh.” 

The two women dramatically rolled their eyes, and the waiter joined in, rolling his eyeballs in two separate directions, earning applause from Jiraiya. Tsunade sat up straighter in her seat with a haughty look on her face, instantly looking more authoritative and imposing.

“Tell me,” she demanded, “what do you mean, waiter? I don’t have time for this - I’ve got a very important appointment in the village’s greatest casino with a dear friend of mine in a few hours and if I’m late..” She mimed what she'd do.

The waiter shivered and nodded quickly. “Yes, yes - the manager would like a word with you.” Gesturing at them all, he walked elegantly towards the counter and tilted his head at the manager. Ino and Sakura followed, with the other three lagging behind.

The manager had a naturally surly face, and as soon as he saw Naruto trailing behind Jiraiya he beamed, causing quite a few customers lingering nearby to jump. Sakura narrowed her eyes at his bright smile and twinkling eyes, wishing she’d brought sunglasses. Fortunately, Ino was always there for her, and handed her a pair of rather feminine and stylish glasses. Sakura grinned, smooching her check, whilst causing Jiraiya to swoon again. Tsunade yanked a fistful of his shaggy hair as she stared at the owner.

Naruto was the eager one who jumped in in glee, “Where’s the food?” He exclaimed, jutting out his signature thumbs up motion, and he suddenly started sniffing it. It smelled of mothballs and livid emergency rooms, much to his delight. 

The owner kindly smiled, reminded of Naruto’s young days, and an elegant tear rolled off his wrinkled cheeks. Naruto was still the lively, youthful spirit he had been. “We created a new kind of ramen dish, accompanied with chopped squid, freshly made dango balls, and boiled broccoli. The soup is quite watery, but it helps bring out the flavors of the mixed foods. I’d love for you all to give it a try, and name it before you leave.” The old, gentle man clapped his hands, and the waiter brought out a covered tray, a delightful scent trailing from underneath the metal lid. The waiter placed it on the table, before bowing doubtfully and leaving. 

Sakura tried valiantly not to gag at the smell rising from the meal which had abruptly changed to a more unpleasant stench. It wasn’t much better than the homemade food pills she’d forced herself to eat during her work hours at the hospital, but she’d had high hopes for dinner. Not.. this.

Naruto threw his hands into the air. “Whaaat an honour, can’t wait to begin!”

Ino kicked him from under the table, just as horrified as Sakura was. “How can we eat this thing?!"

“Don’t be so rude,” Tsunade unexpectedly replied, and began separating the meal into portions. She carelessly dropped each portion in each of their plates. Sakura inhaled sharply when a part of the squid was plopped loudly into her plate - a few drops of the watery soup splashed onto her. Ino sent her a disgusted look, which she ignored, trying not to feel so hurt.

Jiraiya didn’t seem troubled by the meal much, instantly digging in. With his mouth full, he turned his head towards a flinching Sakura. He grinned, showing bits of chewed squid between his teeth. “So!”

“So,” she repeated, mystified.

"Why don’t we do something which will take your minds off this, ey?” So he did see the young kunoichis’ distress.

 _When did he become so perceptive?_ Sakura mused.

“A bet!” he announced. 

Everyone’s nostrils suddenly inflated, including Tsunade.

“Hmm, why not?” she offered, after a moment of composing herself. Some excitement could be seen in her wide eyes though. Ino could almost hear the older woman’s heart beating in drums of exhilaration. 

“I’m calling a bet of _luurve_.” Jiraiya giggled, his perverted side obviously showing through his toothy grin. Naruto copied his giggle, before coughing dramatically. He was amazed how much skill it took to be a mega pervert. 

Sakura and Ino glanced at each other at this, knowing exactly what the other was thinking. 

“I have a suggestion for a love bet, actually,” Ino announced. “I’ve been noticing a...love triangle form recently.” 

A pair of loud blats were heard, muffled over the chair cushion. It was as if gigantic buttons had exploded and crashed into each other, and the men had hideous looks on their faces. 

The women ignored him, Tsunade gesturing impatiently at Ino to go on. 

“Itachi and Sasuke seem to be oogling over Sai. Dunno why those two brothers are infatuated with that annoying creep. What does he have that I don’t? Certainly not beauty!” 

“It makes sense, in a way,” Sakura interjected, “Sasuke is into creeps and Itachi may be attracted to his bluntness and toned abs. No offence Ino.” 

“Everyone has toned abs!” Naruto complained, “Even me!” To prove that, he lifted up his shirt, causing the girls to scream. A Shin Chan image with his curvaceous buttocks had been drawn on his bulging stomach, and Sakura punched his face with full force. Ino cheered her on.

When everything was settled and Naruto’s broken teeth were disposed of, Tsunade spoke, “Kakashi has informed me about it.. apparently he voiced his amusing concern about Sasuke continuously following Sai around, and Itachi muttering his name in his slumber.” 

“Kakashi’s been sleeping with Itachi?!” Jiraiya blurted out, cascades of wet blood oozing out as his eyes clouded, consumed with visions of the two men cuddling against each other. An annoyed vein popped on Tsunade’s forehead, disgust ironed into her voice: “Do not make such atrocious assumptions. It can damage one’s honour when such an ill-spoken rumor spreads.” The middle aged woman popped a pink dango in her mouth, savouring the loyal sweetness accompanied by it. She then tried the broccoli. With its blunt sharpness and bland taste, it was an odd match, but when she combined them her mind entered a traumatic stage of bliss. She moaned as the food melted in her mouth, oh so perfectly. An epiphany popped into her head. 

“That is it! Let us bet who will be the one to claim Sai!” she started, her eyes watering from the previous invasion of her taste buds. “I’m betting Itachi Uchiha will be the one to claim Sai’s heart. Sweetness has a way of attracting and making the bland appear better.” 

“Ahh!” Sakura exclaimed, a grin breaking when she understood her superior’s reference. “Itachi must represent the tender dango, Sai the tasteless boiled broccoli, and Sasuke the chewy, hard-headed squid that makes you want to bite the head off! Urgh what did I ever see in him?” She gazed at her hands, shaking her head at her regrets.

Snot leaked from Naruto’s nose, as he giggled and applauded at the medic’s profound words, “I did’un know ya had that in youuuu, Sakaaaaraaa. In tha' case, I wanna bet on Sasuke kissing Sai first!” It was as if the bet rubbed a bit of Naruto’s intoxicated state away, as the excited voices rose an octave higher. The customers around them started eavesdropping, drooling and blushing over their words. The waiter started screaming about fines and hygiene, but he secretly yearned that he was the centre of his own love triangle, with the hottest men sauntering after his heart.

“Kissing?!” Jiraiya blanched, “I’m betting that Sasuke will be the one to bed Sai first!” His intestines exploded at the thought, as the women exchanged hopeless glances with each other. The old pervert was in desperate need of a loving spouse who looked past is dirty ways and loved him for who he was. Did perverted old women within his league exist, anyway? Or perhaps his preferences edged towards males. Maybe even neither - whatever the case, it was clear that Jiraiya needed a hobby in his life.

“I believe Itachi will capture Sai’s heart first. He is such a dreamy man, after all,” Sakura said, Ino nodding beside her. The old days of swooning over Sasuke was over, when a more mature and older version of him had suddenly appeared in the village one day. It wasn’t as if they were fangirling over him, but a shy side of respect had formed from when Sakura first healed him and saved him from the throes of death. Ino had been there to see it, and worried that Sakura’s heart would be out of her reach again. That was the day when Ino had wholeheartedly confessed her love to the pinkette. Love confessions worked out in such amazing ways. 

“It is settled then,” Tsunade concluded. “The stakes shall be high this time. The loser must listen to the commands of the winner for one entire month.” 

“Even if that means peeking into their shower stall without any fear of risking death or injury?” Jiraiya gasped, choking out his weird giggle again. Naruto waggled his eyebrows, the thought of ordering Ino and Sakura doing his work, massaging him and carrying him around in a throne fluttering through his mind. He grinned. “This is a deal as sexy as my clone jutsu!” 

Everyone agreed, looking with new admiration at the chopped squid, soft broccoli, and rounded dango that accompanied each other in the floating water. It was war, either the chewy squid or dango would sink, and the other would be one with the boiled broccoli on water. It was thus, a warfare of jagged love and irrefutable comedy that began. Would the Sasuke Squid win Broccoli Sai’s heart, or would the diligent and loyal Dango Itachi win? They only knew one thing for certain. 

“Let’s call it Sasaichi’s Dish!” they all chanted, feeling united and complete. In celebration, they began dancing about, causing onlookers to join in. An unsustainable amount of saliva showered Ichiraku’s polished floors that night, but the proud owner didn’t mind one bit. Sasaichi’s Dish was going to be worshipped for centuries, and that thought alone made him break into manly tears once more.


End file.
